Culture-Proof Your Church by Culture-Proofing the Family

It doesn't take a genius to recognize that our young people are caught in a battle.  Just look at a few headlines from the last several months.  You can see that we're in a predicament unprecedented in American history:

•     12-year-old beats toddler to death with bat, police say[i]
•     Teacher arrested after offering good grades for oral sex[ii]
•     U.S. Prosecutor Accused of Seeking Sex with Girl, 5[iii]
•     Texas Girl, 6, Found Hanged in Garage Was Sexually Abused[iv]
•     Michigan Mom Gets 12 to 22 Years for Sex "Contract" on Underage Daughter[v]
•     Four College Students Shot Execution-Style in Newark, N.J.[vi]
•     Young Mother Charged After Her 10-Month-Old Boy Recorded Sipping Gin and Juice[vii]

How do we respond to this as pastors, leaders, and parents in ministry?  Our kids are caught in the cross-fire of a culture war.  They never asked for this garbage.  We served it up to them.  It's been said 98% of our population are followers of culture while only 2% are shapers.  The 98% take all their queues from the culture.  They see a movie trailer and become determined to watch it. They hear a new song is released and they must download it.  Their favorite TV program airs on Monday nights and they've got to watch it, or at least record it for later.

This is the challenge we're facing: pop culture is wooing our kids with poisonous candy.  It looks so good and so alluring that kids don't even realize it's poisonous until too late.  They're bombarded with "culture candy" through movies, videos, music, video games, and much more.   The rotting values these media outlets infuse in our kids is the poison.  And it's pulling them away from Christ and the values we aspire to from the Bible as leaders.

This poison has invoked incredible amounts of damage on the church.  We see its effects when statistics show that 88% of our kids raised in Christian homes do not continue going to church or following God after high school.  Eighty-eight percent!  Think about that.  These are the few actually in our church youth groups and Sunday school classes.  Yet, they don't continue in the things of God.  If we cannot capture the hearts of the ones that are actually in our homes and churches, what hope do we have to capture anybody else's kids?  Data from David Olson's recent book The American Church in Crisis confirms that most denominations are actually shrinking.  It's because they don't know how to reach kids. The great graduation evacuation has to be dealt with. 

Could the 98% "culture zombie" phenomenon I mentioned earlier be part of the reason this is happening?  Think about this: even if you bring your kids to church on Sundays and Wednesdays, if they are more connected and committed to the culture than they are Christ, then that's who's going to have a stronger hold on them when they graduate.

As parents, we've got to figure out how to address this effectively.  It's not enough just to bring our kids to church or do what their parents did.  We are in a different day and age now.  The culture we live in has changed for the worse and it's not kind to our young people. 

The good news is there is hope.  We create a culture in our home stronger than the culture that's in the world.  It's not easy; doesn't happen overnight, but can happen.

Number One
First we must learn parents to be the interference chief between their kids and entry points culture has to get a clutch on their lives.  It's going to be hard to limit these points at first because we now see these as normal.  For too long, we have allowed the culture to grab the hearts of our kids because "it's a new millennium"; it's normal to have iPods always on, televisions in every room, and internet access everywhere.  How in the world could kids or parents even get away from this?  This is a part of what's producing the phenomenon we have: Graduation Evacuation.

We must jump between our kids and every form of media, becoming a filter that knows exactly what is going into our kid's minds.  I suggest putting together a dashboard in your home measuring the influence the culture has there.  For anyone who may think that since their kids are growing up in a church going family that they are exempt from this problem sadly that is not the case. Research shows that most school shooters have been "church kids" that grew up going to youth group.  In fact, Katy Perry, who sings one of the most popular songs right now, "I Kissed a Girl," was raised in a pastor's home.

Just saying, "That won't happen to me" isn't enough.  We've got to know every form of culture that's trying to get to our kids by setting up a dashboard.  You need to ask things like:

• How many iPods do you have in your house?
• How many TVs?
• What are your rules for watching television?
• What are your rules for being on the internet?
• Do your kids have limited locations where they can access the internet?
• Does your computer have any protection software on it?
• What about cell phones?  What are their cell phones enabled with?  Can they get video?  Can they access the internet?  Are they texting? 
• What about video games?  What do you allow and how much do you allow? 

Number Two
We need to proactively impart their values to their kids. Many say, "Well, they live in my home, of course they're going to get my values."  This is not necessarily true.  They're bombarded with horrific values all day and night.  We've got to make sure the stand we take and the efforts we make to instill our values are effective.

As parents have you asked yourself the following questions, "What are my values?  What do I want my name to stand for?  What key life principles do I want my kids to embrace?  How do I want my kids to live their lives when temptation comes?  How do I want them to respond when ethical questions come up?"  Too many of us have not really defined these things. 

What a wake up call we get when our kids say, "Mom, I'd like to have the pill," or "What's really wrong with homosexuality anyways."  All of a sudden the realization comes that our kids' values aren't the same as ours are.   Kids don't pick up values by osmosis, they must be trained.  The Bible says to "train a child in the way he should go." (Proverbs 22:6) This means that we've got to train them, instill values in them, instruct them, and set the example.

As our kids were growing up we constantly emphasized the importance of living out our family values.  We created a "family covenant" agreeing that we would each live four specific biblical values out in our lives.  Then Katie and I, as parents, continually referred to them again and again.  Any time we saw something that would challenge those values or distract them from our values, such as a movie, TV show, or teen trend we would talk through the issue referring back to our family values.

Number Three
The business world of our culture drives us to earn more and climb the ladder of success.  We've got to make sure we being intentional when it comes to valueing our kids.  We need to know how to build relationships with them.  If our relationship isn't strong, we'll begin to see them turning against us.  When they are 6, 7, and 8 years old peers begin to ease in and begin to own their hearts.  Kids say, "Well, Johnny gets to do it, why can't I?"  At ages 11, 12, and 13 all of a sudden the culture begins to take ownership of their hearts.  They'll say, "Hey, I saw this on TV.  So why can't I get that?" 

Many parents say, "What are we going to do? Peer pressure's just normal," How can we fight rock and roll, MTV, and Hollywood?"  We settle with throwing our hands in the air and hoping for the best rather than realizing there is a lot that we can do to influence our kids.  Let's make sure we are not sacrificing our kids to the pop culture.  What a shame it would be to actually raise them in a Christian home but allow the culture come right in, kidnap and brainwash them, while they're living in our house.

Whoever owns their hearts will have the most authority in their lives.  We, after Jesus, have to be the ones who own their hearts relationally. This means they want to listen to us.  Then, when they're not around us, they'll still make decisions based on our values and not just because they're being forced.  Isn't this what every parent wants?  In order for any relationship to be quality, time must be put into it.  But this is what we think we don't have enough of.

Even though I've traveled almost every weekend during my kids' lives, Katie and I decided while they were young that we were going to make time for them and refused to have stereotypical "PK's."  Our girls are now about 19 and 18, in college, very smart, and both love us just as much as we love them.  They're making decisions we are so proud of that reflect the Biblical values we raised them with.  Both are pursuing God with all of their heart.  We've tried to build a culture in our home where they always want to come home.  They keep calling or "skyping" (a live online video chat) so that we can stay in touch no matter where they're at.

Moms, dads, leaders, it's our job to make sure that if we can't reach anyone else, we better make sure we reach the children within our own homes.  We better make sure that these are not getting sacrificed at the altar of pop culture.

In my new book, Re-Create: Building a Culture in Your Homes Stronger than the Culture Deceiving Your Kids, I've gone into great detail to diffuse the myth that there's just nothing we can do as parents but only hope for the best.  This is absolutely the furthest from the truth and exactly the attitude that will cause us to sacrifice our kids to the culture.  It's designed for parents.  As you consider this message, I can't emphasize enough how important it is to start when they're young.  The book has a corresponding work book and a small group DVD that parents can go through together or with others. 

No longer can we say, "We don't know what to do."  There ARE parents that are being successful at raising their kids in the midst of this culture war.  What's left is to learn, take action, and culture-proof our homes.

This article was adapted from Ron's book, Re-Create: Building a Culture in Our Homes That Is Stronger Than the Culture Deceiving Our Kids. Look for it at your nearest bookstore, or visit www.battlecry.com for more information.

Ron Luce is the president and founder of Teen Mania Ministries, a Christian organization reaching millions of young people worldwide. He passionately declares the Gospel through Acquire the Fire TV broadcasts, youth events, camps and media resources, challenging teens to take a stand for Christ. www.teenmania.org.

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[i] The Associated Press. 2008. 12-year-old beats toddler to death with bat, police say.  CNN.com, January 6. http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/01/06/infant.killed.ap/http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/01/06/infant.killed.ap/

[ii] The Associated Press. 2007. Teacher arrested after offering good grades for oral sex. FoxNews.com, December 21. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317611,00.html.

[iii] 2007. U.S. prosecutor accused of seeking sex with girl, 5.  Fox News, September 18. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,297152,00.html.

[iv] 2007. Cops: Texas girl, 6, found hanging in garage was sexually abused.  Fox News, September 12. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,296585,00.html.

[v] The Associated Press. 2007.  Michigan mom gets 12 to 22 years for sex 'contract' on underage daughter. FoxNews.com, June 19.  http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,284255,00.html.

[vi] The Associated Press. 2007.  Four college students shot execution-style in Newark, N.J. FoxNews.com, August 6.   http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,292200,00.html.

[vii] The Associated Press. 2007.  Young mother charged after her 10-month-old boy recorded sipping gin and juice. FoxNews.com, June 23.  http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,286193,00.html.