Showing a United Front with the Kids
By:  Ron Luce

Stand Up for and Support Each Other

Katie and I made a commitment that we would always be each other’s greatest advocate. If my kids were saying something they didn’t like about Mom, even if I agreed with what they might be saying, I stood up for her. I might say something like, “I know she has wisdom, and God gave her to you, and we are going to honor her.” We always made each other look good for our kids.

Some small-minded moms and dads give in to the temptation to be liked. Even if they are not fueling their kids’ grumbling, they are allowing derogatory words about the other parent to go unchallenged from the mouth of their teens. There is no advantage to the child feeling like one of you is the favorite parent.

Even in a divorce situation, with kids going back and forth between homes, there is no advantage to making the former spouse look bad. That person helped bring your child into the world. It’s your responsibility to make your child’s other parent look as wholesome as possible in the midst of a very difficult situation. Making yourself look better only benefits you, not the kids.

Do More Than Tolerate Your Spouse

Some have given in to the delusion of believing, “I will just put up with my spouse. I don’t really like him (her); but because I love my kids, we’re staying together.” While it sounds noble, if you really loved your kids, you would love your spouse too. You would work things out and humble yourself, and you and your spouse would listen to each other and let God help you win each other’s heart back. The best thing you can do for your kids is to love your spouse with all your heart. They can sense whether there is wholesome, fervent, committed love in the home. You can say that you are staying together for the sake of the kids, but in reality, that’s a recipe for disaster. Every day there are stories of parents whose divorce, after their kids turned 18, 19, 20, 25, absolutely destroyed the kid because he or she realized the delusion of their family life for all those years. Don’t just endure for the sake of the kids; deal with the real issues and go to counseling if you need it. Ask God to draw your hearts toward each other once again.

Agree On Parenting Habits

Before Katie and I started having kids, we read books on how to parent. We both had come from divorced homes and did not have the best wisdom on how to raise kids. We sought people who were wiser than us. And there are plenty of them around.

Before you have children, develop a philosophy for parenting that you both agree on. This needs to include the issue of discipline––deciding on the behaviors that require consequences, and why. This is one of the reasons why two parents in a family are so important. As you are deciding how to parent and how to discipline, and what values you want to pour into your children, there are going to be times when one of you will be totally and completely exasperated. Your child has spun you in a web of his or her logic, and you feel helpless and frustrated. That is when your spouse can come in and help make sense of the situation. He or she is able to be a sounding board for you. You are a refuge for each other, so that you can lead from a position of strength. Whoever is spun in the web is going to have blinders on, at best. The other parent offers a different perspective. Together you can confidently make decisions to move forward and resolve the issue with your child.

We have always stuck to the rule that After God, family comes first, even before the ministry. This simple commitment has made such a difference. One way that we live out that commitment is the “777 Plan.” This is a simple way that we keep our lives in balance by prioritizing time with each other and with our family.

Here’s how it works:

• Every 7 nights, Katie and I go on a date—just the two of us.
• Every 7 weeks, we spend the weekend alone—no kids, no distractions.
• Every 7 months, we take the whole family away for a couple weeks together.

Moral Authority to Lead Your Family

The way you conduct your relationship with your spouse adds or detracts from your moral authority with your family. When you look at your kids and say, “This is the way I want us to live,” is that standard reflected in your life? Do your kids see it lived in your relationship with your spouse? Do they see you reflecting the standard as an individual? If you scream or cuss at each other, why should your kids allow you to speak into their lives? You want to shape them with good values, critique their conduct and impart wisdom, and yet they see a problem with the way you live. Why would they want to embrace the values you are espousing? We would all like to say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” But that is exactly what Jesus said about the Pharisees. The truth is, children look to us and do what we do much more than they do what we say. As the saying goes, “More is caught than taught.”

What if you are from a divorced and/or blended family? How do you discipline the kids from your spouse’s first marriage? How do you make sure there is wisdom being used between the biological parent and the step-parent? If you’re struggling with these issues, I encourage you to read one of the books listed here:

• Blended Families: Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life by Maxine Marsolini
• The Smart Step-Family by Ron L. Deal
• Winning the Heart of Your Stepchild by Dr. Bob Barnes

This article was adapted from Ron's book, Re-Create: Building a Culture in Our Homes That Is Stronger Than the Culture Deceiving Our Kids. Look for it at your nearest bookstore, or visit www.battlecry.com for more information.

Ron Luce is the president and founder of Teen Mania Ministries, a Christian organization reaching millions of young people worldwide. He passionately declares the Gospel through Acquire the Fire TV broadcasts, youth events, camps and media resources, challenging teens to take a stand for Christ. www.teenmania.org.